Dear Confessional,
I am ashamed of my naked body! I mean, I don’t have an eating disorder or anything, but the second a hand touches my love handles or any of the other soft spots, it makes me self-conscious and ruins the mood. I feel like I am stuck in a rut because my feelings about my body do interfere with my comfort levels when I am naked. Yet, you don’t see me at the gym sweating away or having a salad for lunch! What is going on here? Can you help me get out of this rut?
-Annoymous, Unknown
Dear Anonymously Rutted,
I’m no professional here, but I’ll second the nay on the eating disorder. I’ll prescribe this as a “we’re either there, or we’ve been there” syndrome; a classic case of mild insecurity with a side of either disorganization or laziness. Like come on, I haven’t met one person EVER, and I’ve met some sexy-ass people, that are a 100% all up in their own shit; thinking that they’re the shit… all the time and shit! How do I know? Well, because Anonymous, I’ve been there before! Actually, occasionally I vacation there during the winter months when hibernation and comfort food are almost compulsory because “it’s so damn cold!” There are two solutions here. You can choose either one, but if you combine the two, I’m putting bitch claws on Justin Timberlake, a.k.a. my boo.
Solution #1: Positivity, Motivation, Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod!
Run. Gym. Zumba. Eat healthy. Carbs are the devil. Water. Vitamins. Sexy, lean, personal trainer that gropes you ever so sensually as you do squats and possibly moan a bit too scantily???
Solution #2: My Way!
Fake it till’ you make it playaaah!!!! No, seriously though, THIS WORKS!!! Confidence is the magic potion! Swallow some and all of your problems will go away! You have to look in the mirror and stop focusing on what you don’t like and start seeing what you DO like (credit: Dr. Phiiiiil). No offense but, if someone is willing to have sex with you, there must be something good there. Also, on that note, shame on you! How dare you diss someone that finds you sexy as hell??? Acting all weird when they want to caress that naked body of sexiness in front of them? They like all that business and you’re fussing on the contract? Now that is trifling!!! If you did that to me, I’d be like “bitch please, get out of the back seat of this car!”. Brings me to my next point; don’t decide what people find attractive and what they don’t! By acting as if you are disgusting and gross, guess what, people will see you that way more often than not! What you need to do is start telling yourself that you are sexy, irresistible and delicious! You may not believe it at first, but as you act like it, people will perceive you as being so. I’ve convinced everyone that I have a legit Kim K., when I guess in reality it’s a flapjack…but you won’t hear me saying that! As you start getting positive feedback because you will, you will start to believe it. The more you believe it, the more you’ll want to believe it which may give you that push to better the amazing package that you already have! Or it may just make you realize that your partner is one lucky person for having the privilege to perve all upon you! So Anonymoulicious, yes that’s your new name, step on the self-love train and choo-choose a life of better sex, better relationships and feeling better on the hole (spelling?).
Recap: If you bend over just the right way, love handles look like an extension of your bum-cheek which is awesome… it’s true, trust me. I dare you to try it in the mirror!
Dear Confessional,
I am ashamed of my naked body! I mean, I don’t have an eating disorder or anything, but the second a hand touches my love handles or any of the other soft spots, it makes me self-conscious and ruins the mood. I feel like I am stuck in a rut because my feelings about my body do interfere with my comfort levels when I am naked. Yet, you don’t see me at the gym sweating away or having a salad for lunch! What is going on here? Can you help me get out of this rut?
-Annoymous, Unknown
Dear Anonymously Rutted,
I’m no professional here, but I’ll second the nay on the eating disorder. I’ll prescribe this as a “we’re either there, or we’ve been there” syndrome; a classic case of mild insecurity with a side of either disorganization or laziness. Like come on, I haven’t met one person EVER, and I’ve met some sexy-ass people, that are a 100% all up in their own shit; thinking that they’re the shit… all the time and shit! How do I know? Well, because Anonymous, I’ve been there before! Actually, occasionally I vacation there during the winter months when hibernation and comfort food are almost compulsory because “it’s so damn cold!” There are two solutions here. You can choose either one, but if you combine the two, I’m putting bitch claws on Justin Timberlake, a.k.a. my boo.
Solution #1: Positivity, Motivation, Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod!
Run. Gym. Zumba. Eat healthy. Carbs are the devil. Water. Vitamins. Sexy, lean, personal trainer that gropes you ever so sensually as you do squats and possibly moan a bit too scantily???
Solution #2: My Way!
Fake it till’ you make it playaaah!!!! No, seriously though, THIS WORKS!!! Confidence is the magic potion! Swallow some and all of your problems will go away! You have to look in the mirror and stop focusing on what you don’t like and start seeing what you DO like (credit: Dr. Phiiiiil). No offense but, if someone is willing to have sex with you, there must be something good there. Also, on that note, shame on you! How dare you diss someone that finds you sexy as hell??? Acting all weird when they want to caress that naked body of sexiness in front of them? They like all that business and you’re fussing on the contract? Now that is trifling!!! If you did that to me, I’d be like “bitch please, get out of the back seat of this car!”. Brings me to my next point; don’t decide what people find attractive and what they don’t! By acting as if you are disgusting and gross, guess what, people will see you that way more often than not! What you need to do is start telling yourself that you are sexy, irresistible and delicious! You may not believe it at first, but as you act like it, people will perceive you as being so. I’ve convinced everyone that I have a legit Kim K., when I guess in reality it's a flapjack…but you won’t hear me saying that! As you start getting positive feedback because you will, you will start to believe it. The more you believe it, the more you’ll want to believe it which may give you that push to better the amazing package that you already have! Or it may just make you realize that your partner is one lucky person for having the privilege to perve all upon you! So Anonymoulicious, yes that’s your new name, step on the self-love train and choo-choose a life of better sex, better relationships and feeling better on the hole (spelling?).
Recap: If you bend over just the right way, love handles look like an extension of your bum-cheek which is awesome… it’s true, trust me. I dare you to try it in the mirror!
