Starting your first corporate job can be scary. Odds are you have no idea what you are doing. So it is essential that you learn how to look confident in your new work setting before anyone figures out what a complete idiot you are. I have found there are only two major sources for artificial confidence in the working world: P!NK’s discography and coffee.

Today we are going to talk about the latter. I have to start off with a bit of a warning to my readers. I am going to be talking about coffee which contains sugar and caffeine. It is important to remember that both sugar and caffeine are DRUGS. And like all drugs… you should know they are awesome and will solve all your problems!

Honestly, good coffee is like any other hard drug – it’s expensive, imported from other countries, and you count on a hipster 20-something from Seattle to sell it to you.

With that out of the way, you need to realize that drinking coffee is the single most important aspect of fitting in and looking confident in your first corporate job. According to a recent poll that I made up for this article, 99% of important business-type people drink coffee.

When I started my first office job, I struggled with embracing coffee mainly because it tastes like straight garbage water. My first thought was to try energy drinks instead. Do not do this! Energy drinks are a fast way to show your new colleagues you’re a disgusting, generation X frat boy with rotten teeth, who is not an adult, and probably has a suitcase full of Runts candy.

Thus, I was forced to reluctantly enter the world of coffee and I have some tips for any of you taking the same terrifying journey.

First of all, it’s important to remember that enjoying coffee is a step-by-step process. You don’t have to do it all at once. It’s a gradual escalation, like slipping into a cold pool, or trying anal… or trying anal in a cold pool.

Warning: That last one is DANGEROUS and for PROFESSIONALS ONLY!

What I’m getting at is there are lots of “coffee drinks” that are not so bitter and awful that you can start with. Heck, there are coffees that are so sugary there may as well be an umbrella coming out of them. The key is not so much what you are drinking, but what it looks like you are drinking.

Start off with hot chocolate. It’s hot, brown and comes in the same type of cup as coffee. This will get you used to all sorts of “coffee-like drinking behaviors” (CLDBs). Things like: test sipping, using sleeves, and preparing coasters in meetings where you pretend to take smart notes when your boss talks. This sets an early foundation for learning how to drink your “java” like a pro.

Oh yeah, also call your coffee, “java” or “joe”. Like, “I could use a hot cup of joe right about now.” People in offices love that type of talk. This will immediately establish you as part of the office “in-group.”

Once you have mastered hot chocolate, it’s on to lattes. Order a mocha latte with no espresso. Yes, this is the exact same thing as a hot chocolate, but it will give you practice ordering coffee in front of people, which can be nerve racking.

Tip: if you are ever buying coffee and mess up your order, quickly pretend someone important like Bradley Cooper or a climate scientist is calling you and slowly back out of the line. If that doesn’t work, just yell “He’s got a gun!” really loudly and get the hell out of there.

Okay, now you are ready for the vanilla latte. This drink is still sweet enough to give you type 1 diabetes, but for the first time you are actually drinking coffee. This means you will finally have the respect of your coworkers and also immediate explosive diarrhea!

Seriously, it’s going to feel like a Real Housewives reunion in your lower intestine, but don’t panic: it’s perfectly normal. Everyone who works in an office has awful coffee-induced Jackson-Pollack-painting-like diarrhea every day.

Pooping at work is not fun, but it’s an inescapable part of corporate life, like meetings and hating Carl from accounting. Here’s a little tip: if you are in a stall and a co-worker walks into the bathroom, clink your belt buckle a little or fake cough to indicate that you are using the stall. This is a technique known in businessman coffee-drinking circles as the “Stall Call.” The Stall Call has saved thousands of work-poopers from awkward restroom exchanges.

The Stall Call is actually a longstanding tradition. The first Stall Call ever dates back to early Mesopotamia, when a primitive man roared like a rabid tiger as a second tribesman approached the dense shrubs where he was taking a shit. The second tribesman then, believing he’d come across a tiger, hurled a large rock into the shrubs and killed the squatting man.

Of course, today’s modern Stall Call is much more sophisticated and very rarely ends in accidental murder by boulder.

Well that’s everything you need to know to be an official coffee-drinking, stall-steaming, productive member of your adult office! Odds are that promotion is right around the bend and you have coffee (and me) to thank.

Now you can start joining in on all the hilarious coffee-related office stuff. Like, saying “I’m going to need more coffee!” or “Don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee!” or throwing hot coffee in Carl’s face when he brings his girl scout daughter through the office to take cookie orders.

Ryan Patricks is a comedy writer based in San Francisco, CA. His work has appeared on multiple comedy sites and his mom’s refrigerator. He tweets at @ryan_patricks. His new book, You’re Not Helping…is now available.