If there’s one thing that makes the world’s best sporting events so great, it’s a wild and rowdy crowd. And what turns even the most mild-mannered among us into testosterone-oozing, face-painting, screaming crazies? Beer, of course. Not food.

That being said, at some point during any hockey or soccer or cricket (?) game your buzz gives way to hunger, which we Montrealers happily deal with by downing a minimum of one poutine, one smoked meat sandwich, et deux steamies all-dress.

Watching the World Cup last month, I started to wonder how people in the rest of the world carb load to keep their energy levels up through to the last penalty kick. Spoiler alert: Americans eat some ungodly shit.

Let’s start in Europe, where stereotypes are happily maintained. The Germans, for example, love a good Bratwurst, which they’ll wash down with Gluehwein (a special mulled wine) in the winter. The Italians, arguably the kings of the sandwich, combine a Peroni with a monster panini piled high with grilled sausage, roasted peppers, sautéed onion, ketchup, and mayonnaise. If you’re looking for a more questionable sandwich choice, head to Turkey for bread stuffed with Tükürük Köftesi, which literally translates to “spit meatballs”; special kofte so-named because apparently cooks used to spit on their hands before rolling them. Whether or not this is still the case I have no idea, but I’d venture that no matter what country they work in or what they’re preparing hygiene is probably pretty low down the list of priorities for most stadium food vendors.

Now to South Africa, where locals favour the extremely salty combo of fries and biltong. If you haven’t tried biltong (basically the world’s best version of beef jerky) you now have yet another reason to book a trip to Cape Town. Up in Nigeria, fans love a good meat pie (a taste they oddly share with the Brits and the Aussies) and bole (roasted plantain).

Over in the east Asia things get a little more varied. In Japan, baseball stadiums serve food you can’t even eat with your hands (gasp!), which may explain why fans are happy to stay seated during games and avoid spilling their scalding hot udon noodles or Kobe beef croquettes (yes that’s right) all over themselves.

And now, back to North America where, in Mexico, soccer stadiums actually serve full-blown cakes alongside the requisite hamburgers and beer. Cute.

When it comes to the USA, the list of insane food people eat at sporting events is too long for this issue, much less this article, but there’s no doubt they win when it comes to overindulgent stadium eats. I’ve selected a few choice items that make me wonder how anyone lives to see their 30s in that country:

“The Hammer” – at Turner Field in Atlanta, fried chicken, bacon, cheese and pecan maple mayo (nice!) are sandwiched between two full-sized waffles.

“The Strasburger” – named for pitcher Stephen Strasburg, this US$59 burger offered at Nationals Park in Washington weighs in at a respectable eight pounds and comes with fries and toppings (pickles, tomato, special sauce) in the same proportions as you’d find in the average quarter-pounder. Even Shaq would have to two-bite this beast.

“Pulled Pork Parfait” – A clever alliteration and inspiration from French cuisine do little to mask what may be the dirtiest thing ever to be served in faux glassware. Imagine a sweet chocolate parfait at the end of a nice meal. Hold that thought. Let the refreshing sensation of ice and sugar sweep across your eager palette. Now, abruptly replace the satisfying cool of ice cream with the steaming starchiness of mashed potatoes and substitute steaming hot gravy and pulled pork for the chocolate sauce. You can thank the Milwaukee Brewers for this travesty.

So there you have it. When it comes to stadium and arena food, we’re all more or less the same. We want starch, grease, and salt—except for our sweet-toothed friends in Mexico, who apparently can’t fully appreciate elite athleticism without some cake in their tummies. In their defense, I could totally go for some cake right now.