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Dear Confessional,
So I am struggling with whether or not to tell my boyfriend of six months my number. I am not sure what he’ll think of me. I mean, how many guys is too many guys? In relation to my friends, mine is up there. I am not ashamed of my number at all nor am I uncomfortable with my past, I just don’t want him to jump to conclusions about me. I feel if I don’t tell him that I am being dishonest. I don’t know, I’m confused. What should I do?
Sandra, Montreal.
Yo G!
Now I am curious, what is your number? Just playing. I figure many people struggle with this issue since I’ve been asked this question before. I believe the confusion lays in the fact that most people don’t understand the very intricate and formulaic calculation that is involved within this numbers equation. Worry not! I got some serious plus and minus skillz, so check it.
The way your “number” is accurately and properly calculated is through this formula:
your number ( XXX) – (anything other than strictly p and v or p and p or v and v action because that’s like foreplay and doesn’t count) – (the ones’ whose names you forget, because that’s like calculating ghosts n’ shit, and that just causes inaccuracy) – ( the ones’ you’re not too proud of and could easily deny accusations their face) – (the ones you forget…duh right?) – (any group sex action because that just gets into logistics problems in terms of “did they, or didn’t they”? So they are omitted) – (hookups in other countries/ holidays/ vacation etc… because I mean what are the odds you’re going to see those people again right??? OMMITT…) – ( hookups with friends’ bf’s or gf’s… forgive and forget! I mean move on…) + (the ones you made up when you were a virgin) = your accurate number
My number is 2 ☺!
Moving on. What is a number anyhow? I mean, yeah okay having a big number may entail that you are a risky partner, but if you rubber before you rub, get checked up and stay safe, I really don’t see a problem with someone having a big number. We have ALL had that ONE year where we frequented the genital buffet! This probably includes your man! If your boy is going to get hung up on how many people you’ve slept with, that’s his issue. I’d tell him to quit trippin’ if he flips!
If this is an issue that you have, and you are embarrassed or uncomfortable with sharing such information- guess what??? Ain’t no body business mama! You can keep that shit all to yourself and bring it up for purposes of mental images (mmmm, gimme a sec… oh J. T.!) That’s not being dishonest, that’s being good with you.
Yes, there is a gender stigma associated with such behaviour. Men are seen as pimps whereas women are seen as hoes! Which is mad messed up because like, how the hell are you supposed to know how to do the “double trouble” if you ain’t practiced (yeah Google that and try it with a helmet on at first…) I was always taught that practice makes perfect, but don’t get it twisted, there ain’t no A for effort! It’s your choice whether you get hung up on other people’s opinions. The way I look at it is; did I have a good time? Daaaamn Straight! Did I want to do it? Playa, I initiated that shit! Do I regret it? Would you regret finding out that you have a natural talent for gymnastics??? People pay for that shit!
So then, who cares? If you wanna share, then share. If you don’t, then don’t. I almost want to encourage women to be open about their numbers because, after all, ladies can be pimps too! But, maybe it’s too soon for that. Also, I don’t want to be held responsible for someone’s defamation of character and associated repercussions. So, figure out whether or not you’re okay with your number and most importantly, email me your number cause I wanna see what I’m working with in comparison….
Recap: If I ever have kids, I am NOT sending them to band camp… EVER!
