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Dear Confessional,
I have no idea how it happened, but I’ve found myself in a bit of a situation… I’ve slept with a few of my co-workers, and I guess with working so much and not being able to go out often, close proximity has made me act a little bit like the office bicycle. I’m a bit scared that word has gotten out and that everybody knows. I don’t want my bosses or co-workers to have this image of me being some kind of whore, because their respect (and for that matter, keeping my job) mean so much to me. What can I do? How do I get rid of my shady reputation?
Anonymous, Unknown
Dear BMX,
I’m definitely one to keep a positive outlook on things but as much as I hate to say it, girl you got yourself into a real pickle here (or vice versa. Jokes! ) Sleeping with co-workers is always major no-no. Actually it’s not even a no-no, it’s a “heeelll-no! BMX get with it!”
Why?
Well, and I could go on for hours here really, but one good reason might be that you ain’t no Britney Spears and there’s no one looking forward to your comeback! Bear with me through this pop metaphor. It’ll all make sense in a minute.
What I mean by this is that work is not as forgetful of Jason Alexander (Mr. Spears #1). That being said, as with most things twisted, inappropriate and delicious, what you’ve done has been done many times before. In fact, a vast majority of office dwellers have done it. I mean, not me of course… but like, all of my friends have done it. It’s true, they told me!!!
I knew this one girl, the friend of a friend. I think her name was Mina and she was an Astronaut, or something.
Anyhow, she was super hot, funny and smart. Shorty was like, easily a 10. When she started at the job, she met Bob, this super hot Astronaut accountant. He was really hot (did I mention really hot?) and one night they got wasted and don’t tell yo mama, but basically boom shakalaka bam. They banged. Not so bad right… but then sexy Rob got hired. He was the sexy Astronaut technical support guy and well, like I said, he was really hot too. Here’s hoping her daddy don’t own a gun because they got wasted and oops, she did it again! (see how I tied that in there? I am that witty.)
After that little incident, people started calling her the rocket launcher. The name stuck for about three years.
People love drama and gossip, and the steamier, the better. What you’ve done with all those guys has become their newest top story. I hate to say it, but getting out of this one will really take some serious time and effort. That being said, it’s not an impossible problem.
Here’s my advice: focus on your job, and do it well sistah! After all, that’s what you’ve been hired for. Accept the fact that you pummeled a couple of dudes and that people are going to talk about it. Feeling badly or guilty about it is not going to help you emotionally, and it won’t help your reputation. If anything it will make you look weaker to the gossiping, fire-spitting dragons at work (I’m talking about you secretaries, yeah I said it to your face. Don’t even try to act surprised.)
While you kind of made it everyone’s business with your behaviour, it’s not really anyone’s actual business but yours. Unless there is some sort of office rule against romancing, in which case, I really can’t help you toots.
So yes, it just sucks that everyone knows about it. But I’d vote you Jay Z this one and “get that dirt of your shoulder”. Fuck it! Err… Wait hold up, bad choice of wording there. I mean fuck the situation. Steer clear of office dudes, let’s not get things twisted again.
Don’t talk about what happened if people ask, and certainly don’t bring it up. Just be like “Ain’t none of your business…bitchass!” Well, you may want to suppress your inner gangster for this one. But let’s face it, sooner or later, someone at that office will get too drunk at some function and try ball handling the happily married guy while his wife is standing beside him…TRIFE! At which point, my freaky little BMX, you’ll officially become old news.
Let’s recap: Making butt photocopies is not as cool as it seems. All you’re really doing is putting ass juice on the photocopier. The machine will photocopy tomorrow’s memos and with your luck, the original will end up on your desk. Then you’ll have your own ass juice on all of your shit! I mean, why not just skip the toilet paper next time for the get the same effect!
