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Dear Confessional,
I’m about to test your advice-giving skills to the max. So, a couple of weeks ago I found out that my best friend’s girlfriend had cheated on him by sleeping with a mutual friend of ours. Not a lot of people know and neither does my friend. I know he’s completely into this girl and I don’t know if it’s my place to tell him. I am concerned that 1) he won’t believe me, and 2) that it would completely crush him. Don’t know if it’s worth telling him if it was just a one-time mistake on her part. I’d talk to her directly about it, but we’re not close at all. I know I would want to know, but I’m not sure if it’s even my place to tell him. So what advice do you have for me oh wise one?
-Anonymous, Toronto
Dear Smart-Assedly Perplexed,
Instead of throwing mocks at me, why not just ask me out for some Mexican, big man? It would be a better approach, but I’m not available on that day.
Anyhow, this situation is pretty messed up. I commend you for being pretty calm and reflective about it. See, last time I found out that my friend’s boyfriend was messing around, I immediately called her being like “Girl, you will NOT believe what this asshole did!!!”. Then I went over to him, spilled my Courvoisier-on-the-Rocks in his face (Yeah, I’m pimp like that!), kicked him in the shin like a boss, keyed his Pontiac and prank-called his mom all night long! In return, I got a restraining order. It’s just a misdemeanour, no biggie! Although my previous actions are obviously a great option, they don’t come highly recommended!
The truth is that you really don’t know how your friend is going to take the news. You also don’t know his girlfriend’s state of mind or the state of their relationship.
Not to sound like Dr. Phil (not that that’s a bad thing since that dude is a mad G) but you have to stop focusing on what you don’t know, and start focussing on what you DO know. What you know is how important is your relationship with your friend. So take time to stop and think, what damage do you think not telling him about his girlfriend’s mishaps would have on your friendship? Imagine if he knew a secret like that and didn’t tell you? You’d be all like “Bro, not cool bro!”.
In addition, this is type of information that would allow your friend to choose whether or not he wants to be with K Stew. The longer he doesn’t know, the more time he may be wasting with someone that doesn’t deserve his good nature and loyalty. Also, let’s be real gritty here… Imagine if Ms. Schwarzenegger picked up a couple of cuddly crawlers where the sun don’t shizzine, or if she now makes it clap (not the way Busta wants her to tho), or if she now celebrates V.D. but more often than just on November 11th…. I think you get the drift. You don’t want this girl spreading her love in ways your friend’s body can’t handle (TLC what???). I mean it is always a possibility right?
I say, tell your friend, even if he doesn’t believe you, once he realizes it’s true, he’ll appreciate you told him. At the end of the day, everyone goes through heartbreak or emotional pain and it sucks that your friend has to go through it right now. At least the two of you will have something in common since, even though you’ve tried in your nerdy way, I am not interested. Sorry boo!
Recap: For the last time, my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me is not missing… he’s building wells in Peru and has no friggin’ reception! Geez.
